Maybe you will think that a letter is not the best way to end a 7-year marriage but I simply couldn’t take it anymore, I’m leaving you and there’s nothing you can say that will change my mind.
For seven years I have been a good partner but you haven’t appreciated my efforts at all. It’s been especially difficult for me these past few weeks so when your boss called to tell me you’ve quit your job it was the last straw for me.
I’ve been especially careful these few weeks towards you but it seems that you’ve lost every interest in our marriage. Two weeks ago I cooked your favorite meal and waited for you to come home but you didn’t even notice it, nor my new haircut nor the new pair of boxers I bought. You ate your dinner and watched your soap operas before heading straight to bed. We haven’t been intimate in weeks and you simply show no affection towards me.
You’re either having an affair or you’ve fallen out of love from me, either way I can’t take it anymore and I’m leaving you.
Your Former Husband
P.S. Don’t waste your time trying to find me. I’m leaving with your sister Carla to West Virginia and don’t plan on coming back. I hope you can find love and be happy.
Dear Former Husband,
Your letter just made my day even better. It’s true that we’ve been married for a little over 7 years but you’ve been far from a good partner to me. It’s also true that I only watch soap operas when I come home but I do it so that I don’t have to listen to your whining all the time, which by the way hasn’t been successful.
You’re wrong that I haven’t noticed your new haircut, I surely did, but you looked like a girl to me. As I didn’t want to hurt your feelings I decided not to mention anything. As for the meal you cooked for me, you probably confused me with my sister because I gave up pork 7 years ago.
Finally, regarding the boxers you mentioned, I didn’t say anything because I saw the price tag, 49.80 and I simply didn’t want to believe that my sister who just borrowed 50 bucks from me had gotten them for you.
Still, for the sake of our marriage and the fact that I still had feelings for you I wanted to believe that we can push through all of this and make our marriage work. That’s why when I got the jack pot today, winning 15 million dollars, I went straight ahead and quit my job and bought two tickets to Hawaii for us. But when I got home, excited to share the news with you, you had already left. Well, maybe this is how it was always supposed to be, and I sincerely hope that you will live the life you’ve always dreamed of, as I surely will.
My lawyer just informed me that this letter you wrote to me will be enough proof for you not to get a dime from my fortune. I guess there’s nothing more to be said but have a good life and enjoy!
Your Filthy Rich and Free Ex-Wife
P.S. I don’t know if you know that Carla was actually born Carl, but you’re probably OK with that!